remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize