If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize