if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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