So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
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I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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