Your tits are I can't wait for
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
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