i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
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Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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