while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
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The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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