I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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