I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
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I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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