She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
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Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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