I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
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As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
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I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
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