you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize