Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
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There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize