Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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