I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish you could order shots online.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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