Betty ford says i'm here all night
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
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If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
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Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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