Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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