Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
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I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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