apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
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I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
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I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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