Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
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My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
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