So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
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Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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