If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
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Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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