was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize