Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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