about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
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I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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