I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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