You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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