awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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