I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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