My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize