ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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