My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
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Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
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When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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