My liver just broke up with me...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
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We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
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sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize