I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
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thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
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I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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