her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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