I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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