I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize