Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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