I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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