Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize