it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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