Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
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and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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