I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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