Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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