Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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