does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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