So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
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I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
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I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I could fuck to npr.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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