you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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