thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize