I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
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Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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